Things I Wish I had Known When I Was Younger

It occurred to me recently that I probably have more years behind me than I do ahead of me. Being 44 years-old means I'm just a little over the halfway mark if I'm fortunate enough to live until at least eighty. Not waxin' philosophical or anything, but that makes a gal a bit contemplative. At the very least, reflective.

I started thinking about how I lived the first half of my life, and I asked myself, am I happy with the choices I've made? Would I do anything differently? I'd like to be smug and say no, I am fine with all my choices, but that would be a lie. I wish older me could have spoken to younger me, and this is what I would have told her.

I wish I had spent half as much energy on my studies as I did on boys. I was smart and not a bad student, but I only gave my books a cursory glance and spent more hours making sure my makeup was perfect than getting the perfect grade. What would I be doing now, had I studied harder?

I would have gone to college before starting a family. Your looks fade. Men leave you, or you leave them. Children grow up and move away. Your education is yours to own forever.  I wish someone had said to me that my marriage might not work out, and I would need a good job to support my girls. Had I gotten my degree earlier, we might have done better financially. Instead, we struggled. Don't be in a hurry to marry and have kids. You have your whole life to do that.

I would have not have gotten married until at least 30. I remember someone saying that picking a husband at 18 is like asking a kid what they want to be when they grow up and holding them to what they say.  My older daughter wanted to be a cafeteria lady, and my younger one wanted to be a taxi driver.  Neither one picked those career paths.  You have no idea the person you will become when you are eighteen. Choosing a husband then, when you don't even know who you are, is a recipe for disaster. I apologize to my children for putting them through a divorce. It wasn't fair that they suffered, but I'm grateful they still grew up to be amazing women despite it all.

If I had spent more time learning and growing as a person, I would have made more informed choices. I was so concerned with being a good wife and mother that I had no idea who I was. When I finally realized what I wanted out of life, a lot of folks were hurt. Maybe if I had taken time to know who I was, I would have screwed up less. You will make lots of choices, I would say to myself. Make damn sure you don't make the wrong ones.

I would have developed good self-esteem. This probably should have been number one. Poor self-esteem made me do stupid things like marrying a guy simply because he told me he loved me. My self-esteem was so low, I allowed him to verbally abuse me for six years before I finally learned to love myself and leave the relationship. When you love yourself, you attract people who will love you too. Self-esteem is worth more than gold - you will take it with you to the grave.

I wish I had taken better care of my skin. I don't have horrible skin, but I should have moisturized more and sunbathed less. How many nights did I forget to take my makeup off and slap some moisturizer on? When you're young and your skin is taut and smooth, you don't think of the damage you're doing, but trust me, you'll wish to god you had put on a hat and some sunscreen.

I wish I had never touched a cigarette. I've long since stopped smoking, but what did I do to my body? I see the lines around my mouth, and I know what put them there. I know that I put a tiny burning stick ahead of the love I have for my family. I'm ashamed that I loved that stick more than staying alive for them. How selfish I was. What they say is true: You'll never regret stopping, but you'll always regret starting.

I would have been more careful to whom I gave my heart...and my body.  There were men in my life who should never have gotten to bag my groceries, much less touch my body. If I had spent more time growing as a person and developing my self-esteem, I would have saved myself hours of crying and years of heartache. I wish I could tell young me that a wonderful man would come into my life if only I'm patient. Don't settle for a loser.


Amanda Z
Domesticology