Should we encourage gender neutrality in children?

In my college days, my concentration was in women and gender studies. I won't even discuss the classes I took which basically made me feel like every man in the world was out to screw womankind over, and the men of the world should promptly apologize to me and all women for having a penis. One thing I definitely learned in my college years and day-to-day living is that it's a patriarchal world and I'm just a vagina owning woman trying to live in it.

To compensate for this and to change to a more fair and equitable society, we have begun a backlash movement which tells us that no matter our gender, we are all the same.  I recently read about a Canadian family that is striving for complete gender neutrality with their youngest child.  I have to agree with the writer of the article - their kids shouldn't be a social experiment, and I see some very confused kids in the future. Men and women should be treated as equals but I will argue that boys and girls are not the same. Should we as parents encourage our boy and girl children to be the same? I for one, say no. Boys and girls are different, and I think that's awesome. If I ever thought otherwise, my son and his buddy have taught me otherwise.

In the last few weeks, I have watched my son and his best little friend Susie* happily playing in my living room (shameless plug - they are so freaking cute when they play). Because all the parents are pretty educated, we want to encourage both kids to embrace their masculine and feminine sides and never encourage gender stereotypes. I have an assortment of balls, blocks, dolls, riding toys and climbing equipment designed to promote intellectual growth, but not to enforce rigid gender division. There are no "girly" toys or "manly" toys. There are just toys. In fact, when my son gets older, he will likely have kitchen equipment and no, I won't freak out if he likes dolls. I'm sure Susie's mom wouldn't freak out if her daughter liked playing with toy hammers instead of kitchen items. By providing this very neutral environment, the plan is to see the kids playing the same kinds of games, and the lines of gender will, hopefully, be blurred.

Well, that's not how it's going. Boys and girls are different, and they certainly play differently.

Yesterday, for example, I gave the kids pots and wooden spoons to play with. My son promptly hit his, making a satisfying loud clang which could wake the dead. Susie did also...for a few seconds. But then she turned the pot over and started stirring her imaginary dinner with the wooden spoon. Oh my god! She was cooking! I couldn't have that! So I turned over my son's pot and showed him that he too could cook. That went over like a fart in church. He wanted no part of it. I began to panic.  Did I somehow subconsciously make Susie take on a "female" role? No, she just liked playing that way, and my son didn't.

Susie takes the little Disney characters over to the window and quietly sits with them and dare I say it, plays with them in a very ladylike manner. She lines them up and talks to them in her sweet little girl voice. Emrys takes the same toys and beats them on the table or throws them.  She likes to come over to me and climbs up in my lap for snuggles and love. Emrys comes over and gets reassurance that I'm still there, and then he's off again. Susie cuddles the stuffed animals and puts them to bed and talks to them in a mommy-like voice. Emrys isn't all that into the stuffed animals. He would much rather hit everything in sight. He listens very intently to the different sounds that an item makes when he "tap-taps" it. That's entertaining to him.

So what does this all mean? Are stereotypes there for a reason? Is there some biological drive within us to behave a certain way? I'm going to say yes, there is. Susie is already displaying mothering behavior. Does that mean she can't grow up to be an astrophysicist? Of course not, so why is the whole world freaking out that she is a nurturer? If Emrys doesn't play with dolls, does that mean he's going to be a horrible father someday? Of course not.

My scientific opinion is this: let the kids play like they want. They will grow up to be just fine. I'm more excited by the kindness they show to one another (mostly). I like the baby voices they use to communicate in a language I cannot understand.  I like the way Emrys follows Susie around the room, waiting to see what their next adventure will be. So far, she is definitely the leader!

I'm sure they will be a fine man and woman someday.  Different, but both equally wonderful.

Fondly,
Amanda Z
Domesticology

*name changed